All the hearts in the shop windows, the pink-red infused advertising to love and honor love, bring my thoughts to my experience with Mr. S.
Mr. S. had requested euthanasia, which was also declared accessible. Because of concern for his emotional state, I was summoned as a psychotraumatologist to have a conversation with him. It turned out that Mr. S. had known a lot of suffering, from childhood to the present. These events had not yet found their processing. Because of his suffering, he had developed little ability to bear that suffering. Both he and those close to him who knew about it never spoke about it. His heart was so burdened with fear, pain, anger and guilt that dying was the only option left in his mind. How dignified can you die with a burdened heart, I wondered. Is death the way out, when no attempt has been made to make the suffering bearable from love? Together we set out to discharge and bear the pain. To express what is still unspoken and thereby give it a place. To regain meaning in life and participate in it. However, we were not given the time to heal his fragile heart. The date of his euthanasia was fixed. He died holding in his hands a heart of love infused with pink-red.
We are born to love and be loved. We love each other because in that love we are "seen" by the other and also "see" the other. Although that love is important for everyone, I noticed that Mr. S. had very little experience in this. He was not understood and (h)acknowledged in love. He did not know the joy that comes from it. This undoubtedly greatly influenced his judgment of his own existence.
In order to love, we also need to love ourselves. Self-love gives you strength to cope with daily challenges and to respect your body, your emotions and your desires. It allows you to let go of the mask of omnipotence and perfection as you develop tenderness and compassion for all types of experiences such as pain and sorrow. Mr. S. has never known that. So how can he have learned to bear his suffering? No doubt he must have felt lonely all this time, unloved and misunderstood by others and himself.
When clients make me feel despondent, I think of a quote from Nelson Mandela: "I have learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but overcoming it. By the way, did you know that the English word courage comes from the French word coeur (heart)? It takes courage to acknowledge and accept the suffering of others and ourselves. It takes courage to offer opportunities to allow and integrate suffering. A loving heart is the courageous response to suffering. The loving heart is the ally and also the guide on the way to life. For from love, death cannot be the answer.