At the residential care center, they had asked me to contact a resident because she was so anxious all the time. I stepped into her room. It was a sunny day in autumn and warm colors bathed her room in a peaceful glow. The elderly woman was busily moving and arranging all kinds of things that lay on her bed. Time, by time, by time.
Even though she didn't know who I was, the woman was pleased with my visit. I was genuinely curious about who she was. My quiet presence unfolded as a gentle connecting bridge between us. And then she told her story, a life story of war, abuse, loss, illness, fear, anger....
She was more than just that woman with Alzheimer's. A human being with a history, emotions, thoughts and desires unfolded. I became aware of how much this woman had suffered. How many ghosts of the past were still haunting her, because time does not heal wounds when you have experienced trauma.
The brain doesn't like experiences that are frightening. It locks them away, where you no longer have conscious access. For years they remain invisible, under the radar, until little by little their destructive reality resurfaces. Because never, ever, have these experiences had a chance to be processed. However, this load of emotions, thoughts, physical sensations had now become her daily reality.
Today this woman forgets things because yesterday the overwhelming experiences of her life were hidden in the brain for survival.
Today she is afraid because yesterday fear ran like a thread through her life. Her brain was in a constant state of alarm, giving her the experience of being able to act instead of watching helplessly.
Today she wanders around a bit because yesterday the connection was broken. The loneliness from her life now drives her to constantly seek contact so she can get closer to others. Safe, comforting connection.
Today this woman fights because yesterday she found no way to deal with the destructive experiences that plagued her body, mind and spirit.
Today she retreats into a closed cocoon because yesterday her trauma caused her shame and suspicion.
Today this woman is sad because yesterday there were no options available nor friends or family who were comforting and healing.
If I can continue to see this woman and her overall history as a mosaic made up of all different parts that yet form one unique whole, she will remain a human being rather than a patient with Alzheimer's.
If I can listen to her pain, make her feel safe in the now and teach her to calm her stress then her brain no longer needs to turn itself off.
If I can find the courage to (re)acknowledge her trauma and walk the path of healing with her, then hope can be born that the ghosts of the past will finally find peace and disappear.